DAY 1 • Trauma Puzzle Pieces
I'm going to keep this workshop rather analog and simple because attracting one's partner is actually a very simple formula. The real effort comes from ublocking, expanding, stepping into your worth and MOST IMPORTANTLY - not settling. Therefore, I want to cut all the fat and spiritual fluff so that you truly integrate the important meat.
Manifesting a partner all comes down to energetics, with the most important energetic being revealed right out the gate: not settling. Or completely and utterly valuing your worth and not settling for anything less than what you deserve and want. That is the main energetic in attracting your partner. This can be distilled down into appreciating your authentic worth so much, that you would not settle for a partner who isn't in alignment with your worth — vice versa for those that are consciously or unconsciously calling you in (as well).
Let's start with the first and most important concept that might help you begin to understand why you are even attracted to certain people and why they are attracted to you in the first place! This will give you a foundation (and reality) to stand on when tests begin showing up. And it will help to deprogram any happily every after Disney movies that have been affecting every client of mine - the "but what if it's the one" syndrome.
Number one, there is no such thing as the one.
THE ONES • There are many people for every one person. Always. Everyone is simply our teacher and our mirror. We are all shifting, expanding and we're all in constant motion; therefore, as we evolve, our "ones" can transition as well. However, when two people continue to evolve together at the same pace, this is a long-lasting unity. But let go of "the one." It keeps far too many of my clients spinning their wheels for far too long in the wrong courting, dating, and relationship dynamics.
Now, I'm not proposing to leave a relationship as soon as the going gets tough. Not at all. Especially when one is in a conscious (two people committed to working on themselves and the relationship) dynamic, and they are evolving at the same pace. But again, there is no "one." As soon as the fictitious "one" shows up, and your hormones and brain chemistry balance out after the six months to two-year bliss, you are going to be faced with your mirror who is here to show you all the places that you need to grow and develop. We don't have "ones," we have teachers who mirror.
MIRRORS • The Universe sends us mirrors to show where we need to heal, expand and grow to align back into our authentic selves. These come in the form of suitors and relationships. Therefore, where our worth is high, we receive the mirrors that bring the best out of us. Where our worth is low, we receive mirrors that bring out the worst in us. You can further call the latter "lessons," for they have come to teach us quite a few lessons of where we need to grow our worth and get into our authentic selves. You can further deduce that when you are with someone (or many people) who bring out the worst in you, you are further away from your worthy authentic self.
These lessons can show up in many different ways! Emotionally unavailable, cheaters, abusive, uninterested (when you are), not your match but you're with them anyway...the list goes on. Lessons are your most significant gifts because they put you right into the frustrating and sometimes painful tension that forces you into doing the work that's needed to shift closer to your authentic worthy self!
Now onto the fun bit.
OLD BRAIN • Everyone attracts partners from their prehistoric limbic brain or old brain, aka the subconscious mind. The one that imprinted in childhood. It imprinted everything it was exposed to through caretakers, media, peers, community, and so forth. Therefore, it draws your suitors and partners from the modeling it witnessed growing up. We attract our trauma missing puzzle pieces that our brain believes will make us whole.
Have you ever had the experience where you've met a person and it felt like an instant addiction? Instant love at first sight? "I feel like I've known you my whole life. Can't live without you? I know you're the one." This is called trauma bonding. It means that their trauma attracted your trauma. Meaning that we attract suitors and partners which are the culmination of the traits of the caretakers who raised us. We do this because our subconscious believes that we will be able to work out our underdeveloped worth, trauma, and pain through this other missing puzzle piece with our half. Unconsciously you believe that you will make each other whole.
Dating variations of this can be: you feel this instant attachment and firework moment, but the other person doesn't reciprocate. They represent the other half of your trauma, but you don't represent the other half of theirs.
SLOW YOUR ROLL • The next time that you have the full-fledged fantasy and you project it on the suitor showing up, stop yourself. You are literally having an unconscious trauma bond reaction to the person in front of you. This doesn't mean that "you are destined for one another." It just means that your fucked-upness is in degrees of opposition to their fucked-upness. And you've come together to unconsciously mirror back the healing needing to take place in each of you individually.
Let the Disney story go. Let the fantasy go. Let love at first sight go. Let, "well they live above the spot I always go for dinner, so that must mean something, right?" go. Yes, you can attract exactly what you want (outlined throughout this entire workshop); however, it will never be happily ever after. So I hope this imparts some chill-out vibes when you have that visceral reaction to the person showing up that is "everything you've ever dreamed of." That's great, but slow your roll and learn in the next few days why you need to be in your worth and navigate accordingly.
BUT WHAT IF NOTHING IS SHOWING UP AND IM ALWAYS SINGLE?
This can be due to several factors.
- Your subconscious isn't expanded enough to know that you are capable of having what you want, for it hasn't seen that such a person and relationship exists (more on this tomorrow).
- You have deep rooted shadow created by shame that you aren't worthy of love.
- Or you have had deep-rooted fears of abandonment (usually from childhood or adolescence).
- Or you are subconsciously fearful of recreating the relationship(s) you saw modeled by your caretakers, which felt potentially toxic, boring, a prison, stale, controlling, or lacking romance. This can be because it seemed confining or painful; therefore, your subconscious rejects ever wanting to find yourself in the same situation (for your limbic brain believes that this will be true for any relationship you enter).
- You've been programmed to believe that you "want" a certain thing, but your soul desires something totally different. This can look like one client, and friend, that had grown up on the Upper East Side around wealthy, successful, high-profile men. She attracted these in, few and sparingly, and they were always emotionally unavailable. Then, while watching the show "Sons Of Anarchy," she found herself having a visceral and soul reaction to one of the characters. He was dark, but sensitive, artistic, nomadic, unrefined, and spirited. She called me, living in LA and all, wondering if it's because she and the actor were meant to be together? I said, "most likely not, and this is actually a really common thing. It's your soul showing you what you actually desire while also expanding you (more on expanders tomorrow)." Later that week, she met this actor's doppelganger (a New Zealander and all) in line at a bakery. The complete opposite of everything she's ever been "fed" that she should be with. They now live together and are very much in love.
SO YOU'RE SAYING
When that little version of you that bought into Disney magic, happily ever after, and prince charming meets the next person and begins to fantasize or project where you'd like a relationship to go, take a step back and realize that what is actually happening is your subconscious has deduced them as having many of the dysfunctional characteristics of your caretakers combined. Therefore they feel like your soulmate or someone who is going to help you workout unfinished business from childhood - romantically referred to as "completing you." When we are "drawn" to someone, it is because of this. Hopefully, this will breathe some reality into my clients that are too quick, easy, giving, needy, and attach. I have been all of those things in the past, and I see it daily in my practice.
Let's uncover some subconscious stuff. Sit up in a chair so that you don't fall asleep. These are most effective when you are very relaxed and cover your eyes. Everyone's device will be different so adjust the volume to your comfort level.
What did your highest self and authentic worthy self look and feel like?
What characteristics did past partners or dating scenarios have in common with a caretaker?
What are you afraid of?
What does your soul desire in your partner?
What did those five years look like?