I Am Nothing • #BeAnExpander

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Who am I? Boiled down to "who is my authentic essence"?

I hope this is a question that we all ask ourselves until the end of time. Because, like an onion, as we do this work, by peeling a layer, there are layers and layers that have been built up through shame, pain, programming, also known as labels, molds, and boxes that we were put in. These layers of onions are called our masks which I also refer to as an ego shell. These masks are what we present with in order to be loved and accepted by society since that is all that every individual on the planet craves most. Loved and accepted for exactly who we are. But that presents the question again? Who exactly am I? My authentic essence?

Our VERY LARGE onion is always peeling. Like when your fingernail gets snagged on the crunchy hard layer and you're only able to peel a small triangle piece. Snag by snag. The onion is the perfect metaphor for the armor around us - the illusion - the illusion of safety from pain and rejection. The armor is for survival. What is the armor built out of? Blocks.

Blocks (the onion) consist of the shame we've experienced in life or the shame we've witnessed. They consist of how we are unlovable or unworthy - created by either shame or projection of labels.  

This is why, to ever truly begin to answer the question of ‘Who is my authentic essence?’, we must start peeling back the layers of blocks (shame and labels).

I first received this teaching as a preschool teacher where I taught ages 3-3 1/2 at a multi-cultural preschool. Each month we celebrated a new culture. India month, Africa month, Latin America month, Europe... We taught the children about the famous artists, food, clothing, music, customs. Halfway through, it dawned on me that the calendar didn't have a Middle Eastern month.  When I asked the director why, she said that a few years ago, a parent from a culture that had been oppressed by a Middle Eastern culture felt that it was too triggering. In today's current sociopolitical climate. This means that the children who attended from a Middle Eastern family never got to celebrate their culture at school, never got to bring their food, never got to share their music and poets.

This is zero blame to the curriculum or faculty who were all so creative and giving their best. It just posed an interesting concept to me. I was around and experiencing children five hours a day for nine months and the definite that I saw is that they don't understand those nuances when they are little unless it has been projected onto them or introduced to them or taught to them. Every child is so unique, spirited and authentic the moment they are born. Ask a new parent if their newborn to toddler has quite the personality. I haven't met one that wouldn't agree. This concept of labels and identities that we project onto children begins building their first layers of the onion of blocks.

But it wasn't until I finally answered the nudge I had been receiving for years from The Universe - to introduce my formula of manifestation - that it came full circle. It took a few session for me to realize what I was doing but then it hit me. Before each session, before I began channeling, I would become totally neutral. Entirely. I would wash away any identity or label I had ever had in order to be 100% neutral for my client. It was the only way that I could truly use my gifts of reading each individual's authentic energetic projection. Meaning that in my mind's eye, I am working with the energetics of what their onion is projecting vs what their totally authentic essence is here to project and do. In order to begin peeling the layers of their onion away, we must really discover and validate the blocks, pain, shame, injustice, labels, unlovability, unworthiness, and oppression that built up that onion.

Has anyone noticed that when they've peeled a layer of their onion, they've been met with magnetism? I'm sure most here have had that experience by now.

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This last week, I was working with a client that named off a few expanders that really embodied how she feels she wants to present in the world. However, her outside, her brand, her attire... never reflects her inside when she tries. When she listed off the expanders, I very quickly caught the energetic pattern. They all shared a few things in common: masculinity, rebellion, and authenticity. And it came out that she was raised by all deeply feminine women who never lived in their rebellious, masculine, authentic nature. And her father wasn't very present. In my neutral state, the energetic remedy for this is very clear. Her authentic soul is CRAVING the pieces that it was born with but due to environmental programming and labels (what it means to be a woman in her upbringing: can't leave the house without makeup, body image, feminine perfectionism, feminine energy...), it has been buried deeeeeep down in the middle of her onion, screaming that these other pieces that she was born with - living in her shadow - are crying to come forward in order to create whole, authentic magnetism. Until we can energetically, subconsciously project our authenticity, it doesn't matter what we try to wear, think, do or act in the world.

Or a more personal example from me, ever since my first EMDR session with Janelle Nelson (who I can not recommend enough), I've continued my EMDR work here in my hometown with a therapist while I'm away during construction on the FN Retreat Property. LAYERS have been peeling as I'm always on a quest to work with that pure authentic me when I was little. Integrating deeper and deeper into that energy and projection. We've been working on this one specific memory - as I was passed around through four different households most of my childhood - often in one week - and sometimes at babysitter's homes. Before getting out of the car, I had to put away my security blanket, and "be on". Meaning funny, helpful, adapting to anything the others were up to to be loved. When all my authentic-self craves more than anything is to simply "be - totally and completely me". However, because my very first belief (shadow) entering this planet is that I'm a “burden”. The product of two teenage parents, whom everyone brutally convinced to have me aborted. Then discarded from home to home. Environment to environment. Everyone's burden. The ultimate shadow self that I'm always peeling away deeper and integrating deeper. As a burden, my onion began to build by being helpful in order to be loved. Generous in order to be loved. A perfectionist in order to not cause any trouble. Tough so that my emotions didn't burden anyone else down. The list goes on. My two role models - parents - were the epitome of attractive, popular, cool, tough, love avoidant. So that armor felt like the safest to adapt. It's so much of my onion. And boy did I build it up strong.

Last week I tapped into a version of my true authentic nature that deeeeply needed warmth, acceptance for being goofy, for being a kind and loving bleeding heart, for having other qualities about myself praised that was in alignment with my authentic nature. I've been taking that little version of myself, my onion's core, through REPARENT and SHADOW again through the lens of the AUTHENTICITY and INTEGRATED roadmap. And boy have some bigger snags of the onion been releasing.  

Through this process, in the last few weeks, I’ve manifested the following: The exact 60’s Italian brass lighting sconces that I’ve been looking for, for the living room of the FN house, everywhere. I had a ping to walk into this light store and bam there they were for $1,500. There was a sale where I snagged them for 75% off. Also, a conscious relationship workshop for free. And a panchakarma retreat, all expenses paid for Max and I in NC (out of the blue). Peeling the onion is soooooo magnetic.

The only way to truly peel our own onions and put a stop to the onions of the world is to begin to truly do away with labels and shame. And this is the only way we can find our full manifesting potential.

Manifestation is simply energetic. In order to truly harness the physical, we must step out of the physical into the energetic realm. The onion must peel, the labeled boxes must open, freeing our authentic nature in order to project our true authentic, individual, deserving, and worthy magnetism. And the expansion must happen.

WHO AM I

An exercise to begin peeling your layers

#BeAnExpander for others by questioning allllllll labels that have ever been projected onto you. As I currently record the D.I. Album, here are the fun journal prompts that I filled out before my DRE and EMDR sessions.

Start freeform journaling by questioning all of the labels and boxes that were projected in your environment growing up. And just keep the stream of consciousness writing until you feel it's come to an end for the day. Then take what you discover through the DRE.

Ex. What was my pure authentic essence like before gender was ever introduced to me? What was my pure authentic essence like before money and socioeconomic classes were introduced to me? Keep the questions going...

#BeAnExpander by discontinuing to see others through the lens of labels and seeing their true authentic energetic essence. Validate how beautiful that essence is in them.

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I’ll leave you off with a story. My good friend was taking her 3 1/2 year old to school a bit ago and said, “you’re my main dude.” To which he replied, “I’m not a dude.” She said, “you’re my main man?” To which he replied, “I’m not a man.” She tried, “You’re my monkey?” To which he replied, “I’m not a monkey.” She said, “what are you then?”

He said, “I am nothing.”

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What Layers are You Uncovering? Share using #BeAnExpander