My Journey of Self Worth & Shadow in Turbulent Times • Lila
Big disclaimer before reading this piece: I don’t actually know how to do this - to find stable self-worth and break apart my shadow during times of serious uncertainty. As someone in their early twenties - an almost guaranteed turbulent time - I struggle with confusion and inconsistency in my self-worth daily. But, we all experience turbulent times. We all face inconsistency with self-worth. Perhaps, after reading this, you won’t feel so alone in this journey as I often do.
Through Lacy’s work - the DRE and Elements of Magnetism Roadmaps - I’ve come to get to know myself pretty darn well. I can recognize my triggers, my shadow, my insecurities. I know where I hold my self-worth. But then why do I wake up some days feeling on top of the world - like the hottest smartest most talented human alive, and other afternoons slump into spiraling thoughts of failure, of terrible body image and negative self-talk? It’s truly exhausting.
AND let me tell you: this Magic Dark I wrote about here is really throwing me for a loop. I’m receiving ALL the tests, ALL the lessons and sometimes I don’t have the stamina to push through, to say No when No is needed. Sometimes I’m simply just not ready even though I know the manifestation that lies on the other side. I’m learning to be okay with this. I’m learning that The Universe will never give up pushing you onto your path, towards where you’re meant to go. I’m also learning how powerful your Shadow can be in moments like these. Those fears that lurk around loops in your brain, teasing and tricking your self-worth, your authentic self, into hiding.
Dani Beinstein was spot on during my astrology reading when she uncovered that my self-worth is most deeply rooted in my work. This doesn’t mean I find worth in rising up some arbitrary career ladder (I’m a Man-Gen after all!) - but, rather in the creative work I do that is a representation of who I truly am. This is where my biggest insecurities, my most fragile measures of self-worth and my most ingrained shadows all lie. And, as a 24-year-old…well let’s just say sharing any creative projection or creation of my own makes me feel so vulnerable. My shadow rears its gynormo head, sneering at the thought of maybe, just maybe, wanting to be seen or recognized or praised for my own work. All while my thoughts inside my head scream out - “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” “WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO BE?” “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING”
Some days I want to punish myself for thinking these things, for convincing myself that I’m unworthy. Somedays I want to hug myself, comfort myself, and tell myself that I am capable even when I don’t feel like I am. Some days I just want to scream.
How is it that we can get to the point of actually seeing, feeling, holding our self-worth - yet have such a hard time controlling it or monitoring its unpredictability. How do these polarized back-and-forth self-worth measurements affect our subconscious and our manifestation process on a daily basis? I’m working on finding my own answers to these questions. It’s almost like a game - watching for hints, feeling out tests.
Self-study is the first step I take into truly unraveling, UNBLOCKING and understanding it all.
It’s interesting - and maybe it has happened to you, too - but as soon as I became aware of my giant Shadow about self-confidence and wanting to be seen, so many “hints” dropped into my life. For example, a few lovely ones of you came up to me at the farmers market, streets of Echo Park and my home away from home - Erewhon - to say thanks for everything you’ve learned from Free and Native. My friend then nominated me to be featured in a local magazine - all these things pushing me to be seen, to take compliments when given and to not feel like I need to diminish my own accomplishments or work to be accepted. In moments of low self-worth, I think about this.
I’m also learning through expanders and peers that tumultuous self-worth is just a part of getting to know yourself - of growing and understanding who you truly are. I can recognize that moments of imbalance, of feeling low, are moments when I’m out of alignment with my authentic self. These are big clues. Often it’s hard to take the clue and use the moment of realization to propel you back into alignment - no, it’s much harder than that. But at least this perspective allows me to rise a bit above these feelings and to observe them from a curious, and removed place. I’m learning to take these moments of low self-worth in stride, and to take advantage of these lows to understand what my body/mind/soul is craving and what it’s missing at that time. It’s all too easy to wallow in negative self-talk. It’s all too easy to sulk when you’re feeling down. But, for me, turning these low periods into teachable moments has provided such an interesting perspective into myself that has allowed me to progress much further down my manifestation journey than I would have ever expected.
I still have a lot to learn, and navigating moments of self-doubt and overwhelming feelings of failure is no simple task. Yet, I try to remind myself that it’s just my soul crying out for healing, showing me where I’m still hurting and where I’m still fragile. We’re all on this path to a better understanding of our authentic self. Every good and every bad is a stepping stone towards progress.