Consciousness • List of Awareness
A List of Awareness is one of the most conscious inventories one can continue to take throughout their entire life. It’s a catapult that superjumps us spiritually, karmicly, and consciously.
Our reality is 100% whatever we believe it is. I think we all know that by now. But what are those root beliefs that have gotten us here? What beliefs shaped the box of our day to day that we call life?
Programming. That's what. Usually stamped on us before the age of five by nurture. And a lot stamped upon us through media and relationships during our life until now. Here is the exciting news, as humans we are intelligent enough to reverse this programming. It just takes investigating and repetition.
One tool is to making a List of Awareness. Recognizing the root. Then replacing it with something more powerful - cold hard logic.
AWARENESS | I find that my clients’ root issues are deeper than the surface ones that come up. I have an uncanny way of finding their real energetic blocks. It’s much easier to see what is going on with someone else than yourself.
EX. I was recently on holiday with my partner in Mexico for ten days. Having been raised by an alcoholic mother, I’ve had to work through some pretty heavy co-dependency issues, for it’s common that children from alcoholic households constantly feel tug and pull love. Present then vacant love. We are worried that the love might go away suddenly (pull/vacant). A lot of my work to heal this has been to address, and continuing to address, my biggest fears in relationships. And for co-dependents, that usually stems down to worrying that their love’s love will be taken away or revoked at any time. Through many years, I’ve had to truly face the fear of aloneness while no longer validating myself through another’s love. And feeling the empowerment and complete fearlessness of aloneness has been the most rewarding and serene “knowings” that I have.
On the trip, an activating feeling came up. My partner was looking, for a long period of time, at another women. She wasn’t what society deems attractive, nor what he would find attractive. As he is in the apparel industry, he’s always people watching and looking at how people assemble their clothing options. So he wasn’t “checking her out”. But in that moment, I felt the activation of jealously and abandonment coming up.
Because we had been together for ten days straight (I’m a firm believer in sacred alone time in relationships in order to stay out of the co-dependent realm and focus on self-validation through personal happiness), a lot of my self-worth was wrapped up in our relationship - breathing breeding ground for old activating feelings to rear their head.
In that moment of activation, I completely shut down. And had to take a List of Awareness.
I. INVENTORY | I became aware that I was going down the rabbit hole because of the notion that he might find another woman more attractive and interesting than I. This further activates my co-dependent fears that he could take his love away for another person. This made me feel afraid, unsure, closed-off, unworthy and little.
II. DIG | My maternal grandmother was incredibly religious, beautiful, and supported her whole family (husband, and five daughters). My grandfather was a terrible alcoholic that often had girlfriends on the side and openly talked about it around his five daughters during alcoholic spells. My mother and her sister were two caretakers very prominent in my life. They both are incredibly insecure, jealous women. They were raised with the programming and fear that family stability is always threatened by more attractive, new, and fun women, because their mother was too “square” to keep their father’s attention. This was an issue they never resolved, and was something that was subliminally programmed in me.
III. LOGIC | the truth in the root of this issue is that my grandfather was incredibly insecure and unhappy with himself, and was constantly looking for “new” “low hanging fruit” outside validation to cover up a very empty hole within himself. His cheating was a reflection of himself, his own programming, and had nothing to do with my grandmother. And as a caretaker, she did not heal this programming for her daughters by leaving, etc.
Furthermore, my side of the street is always clean. In relationships, I don’t even look at, entertain, or fantasize about another individual. I’ve spiritually evolved past that. As the root of that energy is usually the need for outside validation. And if my partner has not reached that spiritual evolution, it isn’t a reflection of me in any way. If they are interested in someone outside of me, it is because they are trying to fill a void inside themselves, which has nothing to do with me.
And because I’ve faced aloneness, I’m quite fearless about leaving relationships. I know that if my partner needs to fill a void such as that, then they aren’t the right partner for me. And there will be plenty of other fish in the sea that are.
IV. REPETITION | when this activated feeling comes up (anything that triggers jealousy in my relationship), it’s important for me to have repetition towards it. 1. Are we spending way too much time together (i.e. I’m not focused on myself and my work, so my self-worth is wrapped up in another’s perspective of me)? 2. Remind myself of the mantra. “Their interest doesn’t reflect me in any way. I am the only unique, incredible woman of my kind because there is only one of me. If he finds interest in another, it is his own need to fill a void inside himself through exterior validation. I don’t desire a partner like that. I can leave at any time if this is actually a truth. There are plenty of other fish in the sea."
In order to integrate this practice into your own life, visit the UNBLOCKED Shadow workshop to learn how.
Photographed by Brian Overend